Self(ie)

Sometimes happiness is a feeling. Sometimes it's a decision.

The topic of depression has come up a lot lately around me and I just want to talk about it. Depression is a topic that isn't easily nor often discussed and it should be. A lot of people believe that depression is self-inflicted. Maybe sometimes it is, but often times it's not. According to the World Health Organization, 350 million people suffer from depression. Let's look at that number closely -- 350 million. That's a lot of people suffering, probably silently.

I have personal experience with this. I had a depressive episode for almost a year while I was in college. Like most, I suffered silently. I didn't talk about it, I was embarrassed by it and it controlled every aspect of my life. I was staying in bed most of the day not even bothering to turn the lights on when dusk hit. It was very crippling and kept me from experiencing college the way I should and kept me from some pretty big opportunities that I now heavily regret. For the life of me, I just couldn't turn the lights on -- figuratively and literally.

Could I have chosen to snap out of it? Could I have chosen to get up and just be part of the world? Perhaps. I can tell you this -- it's a lot easier said than done when you're in that deep. I wasn't suicidal, but I just didn't feel like being part of everyday life. I had zero motivation to get up. I remember my college roommate sitting outside of my door on multiple occasions frustrated in her own attempts to snap me out of it. It has to come from you.

If you are reading this and are feeling the way I once felt, you are not alone. You are valuable and people want you around. Don't forget that.

The first step to being better is: asking for help. Most people feel that asking for help makes you weak or they are embarrassed. Quite the contrary -- it makes you STRONG. It makes you strong to recognize that you need help fighting the fight. It makes you strong to ask for tools that maybe you don't have at the moment to pull yourself out of the hole. It makes you strong to want better for yourself.

Depression is such a vicious cycle. You become depressed so you create an environment that caters to that. Your new adapted environment then causes you to feel even lower and so on.

I interviewed Marina Josiff, MSW (Master in Social Work) about depression and ways to help cope/ways to help someone cope. Ms. Josiff was a Therapist working with those who suffered from chronic mental health issues and currently works for the County of Los Angeles specializing in Child Welfare.

How would you define depression? Depression, for one, is a mental condition (resulting from a chemical imbalance) that affects your daily life. Sometimes depression is caused from the feeling of guilt, experiencing trauma and/or not addressing unresolved trauma. A lot of people know depression to be a feeling of being really sad or emotional.
Is depression curable? It is definitely curable by either medication, if it's to that degree. But it can also be cured by having therapy sessions to work out what is making you feel down in the first place. Depending on the severity, it may take some longer to get over depression than others. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) will explain the different diagnoses of depression, the symptoms and duration of the disease.
What age group do you see the heaviest episodes of depression and what triggers it? From personal and professional experience, the heaviest episodes happen in between the ages of 18 and 25. I think it's primarily shown in these age groups because you have dealt with trauma as a child and you do not know how to clarify what you have been through. Also, that age group is very impressionable due to not having the tools or resources to talk about their feelings. Our society today is focused primarily on dealing with it on your own and that just deepens the symptoms. It could also be due to your culture. A lot of cultures are not known to go outside of the family to air dirty laundry; therefore, you end up with a build up of things to work through that never get the attention it needs. Another group to show evidence of depression can be 40s to 50s due to divorce, loss of work, problems with your children, etc. Some adults never learned to be expressive as a child or teen, so that carries into their adult life.
What other conditions can or often result from depression? Most people don't realize that substance abuse (alcohol and/or drugs) is associated with depression. Some people cope with their depression by using substances to numb the pain. Those that do tend to show heightened symptoms because of it. For example, if you have a friend that is going through something and typically wants to smoke or drink when they are going through their struggle, I would make note of that. Talk to them about it and get to the bottom of it before it gets worse.
Do you think you need medication to get over depression? It depends. If your symptoms are getting worse and your feeling of hopelessness isn't going away, then I believe medication would be a good route. However, there have been many cases that have proved therapy to be a really good way to cure depression. I am going to share something with you. When I was diagnosed with depression, I declined medication because I didn't think it was "that bad." So instead, I chose to see a therapist once a week and I wrote down everything that was causing myself to be depressed. I then broke it down and figured out ways to eliminate each problem step by step. I also created a strong support circle that made sure I did not isolate myself and checked up on me daily. It was important for me to have support around me that actively listened to me and gave genuine feedback and were also positive within themselves. I had to dig deep into what my underlying issues were and I brought that up in my therapy sessions. I had no choice but to be open and honest about what was going on in order to get better.
Who are the best people to reach out to when you or someone you know is depressed? A professional -- some type of therapist, a life coach, counselor. But for those who are not into therapy and talking to a stranger about your problems, I would recommend talking to someone who has been through it and has successfully pulled themselves out of it. You cannot surround yourself with toxic people because it will feed into your depression. Misery loves company. Other than people, other ways to recover is to work out, eating healthier and doing things that make yourself happy. The first step, to me, when dealing with depression is really coming to terms with what it is that is causing you these feelings so you can truly work past them in a way that won't have them come up again. If they do, you will know how to tackle them before it gets to another episode.
What do I do if someone I know has suicidal ideation? In that very moment when someone is giving off the impression that they are suicidal, you want to ask them why they are feeling the way they are feeling. Then you want to use summarizing and reflecting statements so they know you are listening and acknowledging what they are saying. You should ask them if they have a plan (of suicide) or how many times they have attempted suicide. You want to reassure them that everything is going to be okay, they are loved and worthy. There is also a National Suicide Prevention Hotline that you can call or that they can call for support. It is open 24 hours a day. The number is: (800) 273-8255. Even if you feel like their situation isn't something to be upset about, their reality is real and you never want to downplay the way they are feeling in that moment. If you feel like you are unable to handle the situation, there is a professional team that you can call: Psychiatric Emergency Team (PET), that will come out and assess the situation for you. Their number is: (800) 854-7771.

How do I know if one of my family members or friends are depressed?

hopelessness
feeling down
moving slow
isolation
saying things like, "I'm better off dead" or "I don't want to be here"
anger
easily agitated or triggered
extremely emotional
lack of sleep and/or appetite
over sleeping and/or over eating
lack of interest

I know this was heavy and wasn't as exciting as shopping and what to wear to Stage Coach, but it was necessary. It's time we get more comfortable with the uncomfortable. It's time we, as a society, get healthier and learn to love ourselves because it isn't always a given -- it's a skill. I hope today, and everyday, you are choosing happy.

"You're pretty for a black girl," is NOT a compliment!

Last night a guy I do not know asked me my ethnicity. I told him I am Palestinian and Black. He followed up with, "you're pretty for a black girl."

As a little girl, I considered myself pretty, maybe even gorgeous. I went to an elementary school that was diverse in color, language and culture. I blended in with all of the other beautiful mixes of colors. It wasn't until I moved in junior high school that I started to question if I was ever really pretty at all or if I was just part of the only thing I knew. I spent my most impressionable years in a predominately white community. My best friends, and the other groups of girls I desired so badly to be part of, were tall, slender babes with clear blue eyes and flowing blonde hair. I became a generally accepted kind of pretty. Adults saw my thick, kinky hair and freckles as additions to my cuteness and my peers were genuinely curious about my hair. I got asked to "touch my hair" a lot as if I was a featured piece in a museum. I never knew if I should take that as a compliment or be bothered that I was made out to be a show piece. I wasn't ugly, so I guess it was okay - that's what I told myself.

It wasn't until I got into eighth grade that I realized I wasn't pretty, but rather pretty with a caveat. The boys I wanted attention from only wanted the girls I ran in close circles with. They didn't want kinky hair, french braids or buns because I didn't know what else to do with my hair that I didn't know how to manage. I developed a complex I can only hope my (future) daughter never experiences. I didn't know who I was, who I should have been or who others wanted me to be. I felt short of mediocre in the outside world and a prized possession when I got home with my (Arab) family that always made me feel beautiful - but they are my family, that's their job right?

I did whatever I could to feel pretty - the kind of pretty I now believed to be genuine. I took hot tools to my luscious kinks, relaxed my hair to be as shiny and silky as ethnically possible. I was introduced to weaves and was so excited about being able to cover up my hair. I added ounces of silky hair that I would deny wasn't mine. (I still wear extensions and weaves, but for healthy reasons rather than to hide who I am and am not afraid to tell people.) I was determined to be "one of them." I tried to be white - only further confusing my sense of self as you can imagine. Transitioning into high school I decided to surround myself with more black people, people more like me, so I thought. Turns out, we weren't as alike as I had imagined. I became "too white" for the black crowd and "too black" for the white crowd. I spoke too white and was too "swaggy" all at the same time. (Even with relatives on my black side I was told to "not come around here talking like that," which resulted in them thinking I put myself on some higher level than them. In reality, I tried so hard to fit in with even my own family and never really felt accepted for my unique mix.) With my black friends I still "didn't understand the struggle and wasn't the same," and with my white friends I was the token cool black friend. I didn't realize someone's color or background made them cool. I guess they told me.

Now that I am an adult and have learned to genuinely love and flaunt my Black and Palestinian assets, I find that everyone around me are spending countless hours in the sun and getting lip injections to try to look like me. Ain't that a blip? The crimping iron became the white girl's best friend and freckles were being drawn on with makeup.

So, when someone tells me I am "pretty for a black girl," my inner little girl wants to curl up and cry. At the very basic level of the sentence, you do think I am pretty, exotic, ethnically ambiguous (that one is my favorite) because all of my beautiful differences make me pretty. Just pretty.